The long ears of Wisdom
Sometimes we just have to be careful of what we wish for.
Flash back some 20years ago I desperately wanted to be"fat" to escape verbal onslaught of random people who will shout "lepa","frying pan ",toothpick " amongst other names anytime I venture out on the street. So I intensified and horned my praying, eating and devouring skills, hoping the heavens will smile on me so that I can at least fill out.
I was almost stick thin save for the fact that I was sorta ....kinda busty, but my rear side was as flat as a frying pan.
Forget the butt and Hip pad pant, I had been creating my own invention,even Einstein would have been jealous of my genius streaks.
Somehow years later, the gods finally pitied me and in my 300level I began to fill out.... Forget fill out... I became FAT. God! I was ecstatic ! l tripled in size I had chubby cheeks, Christian Mother jowls, bulging stomach, my bosom too followed in the progression.
Finally!!! I was in the state of utopia. Well... My rear side remained unmoved by the general geometry progression but I wasn't bothered. It was sheer bliss.
Twenty years later on, two kids after and seeing how morbidly obese I looked in that picture at the high school reunion pictures ,I became determined to shed some /most of the weight.
Locking down my own adaptation of keto diet (I can't come and die now). I decided to get some work out done. Early enough that morning garbed in my sports gear (the sports shoes definitely LIT), feeling myself I slayed like kilode.... Heart rate monitor, jogging arm band,sweat reflective head band ,name it...even khole Kardashian will go green with envy. Most importantly armed with determination I delved into my cardio regimen which consisted of hiking (abi jogging) around my neighborhood. Stepping out to the street ,i didn't anticipate the kind of reaction I got from passersby.
I turned instant celebrity .People waving from their cars, random people cheering me on with their smiles ,gestures and all....caught a few folks whipping out their phones to snap me, an elderly woman told me I was perfect the way I was,others simply stared in confusion .The attention I must say was quite overwhelming and totally unexpected.
Moments later my elder Sister called and as i was gleefully relaying my finer moments in life to her, she quickly and wisely pointed out ... that is any attempt to try my cardio regimen the next day or in the nearest future will be seducing kidnappers ....kidnappers with intent or second degree kidnapping .
Then and there I quickly loaned myself brain not only because my husband will not pay a single dime for ransom and those people will just beat someone to stupor for nothing, but because the ransom the kidnappers might ask for will adequately cover a less risky procedure: PLASTIC SURGERY .
Even with the Bible insisting that dry morsel is with patience, I immediately aborted my voyage to the land of skinnies and launched into plan B. Which was save enough money for procedures which included breast augmentation, arm liposuction. Breast and Brazilian butt Augmentation Or DIE TRYING.
So until I hammer body magic ,waist cincher ,silicone hip and butt booster pants will do just fine......