The long ears of Wisdom

Sometimes we just  have  to be  careful  of what  we wish for.
Flash back some 20years  ago I desperately wanted  to be"fat" to escape  verbal  onslaught  of random people  who  will  shout "lepa","frying pan ",toothpick " amongst other names anytime  I venture  out  on  the  street. So I intensified  and  horned  my  praying, eating and devouring  skills, hoping  the  heavens  will  smile on  me so  that  I can at  least  fill  out.

I was almost stick thin save for the  fact  that  I was sorta ....kinda busty, but my  rear side  was as  flat  as a frying  pan.
Forget  the butt and Hip pad  pant, I had been  creating  my  own  invention,even Einstein would have been   jealous  of  my genius  streaks.

Somehow years later, the  gods finally  pitied  me and  in my 300level  I began  to  fill out.... Forget fill out... I became  FAT. God!  I was  ecstatic ! l tripled  in size  I had  chubby cheeks, Christian Mother  jowls, bulging stomach, my  bosom too followed  in the  progression.
Finally!!!  I was  in the  state of  utopia. Well... My  rear side remained unmoved by  the general geometry progression but I wasn't  bothered. It was  sheer bliss.

Twenty years later on, two kids after and seeing how morbidly obese I looked in  that  picture at  the high school  reunion pictures ,I became determined to  shed some /most  of  the weight.
Locking  down my  own adaptation of  keto  diet (I can't  come  and  die now). I decided to get some work out  done. Early  enough that morning garbed in my  sports gear (the  sports shoes  definitely  LIT), feeling  myself  I slayed  like  kilode.... Heart rate  monitor, jogging arm band,sweat  reflective head band ,name  it...even  khole Kardashian will  go green with  envy.  Most  importantly armed with determination I delved into my   cardio regimen  which consisted  of  hiking (abi  jogging)  around my  neighborhood. Stepping out to  the street ,i didn't anticipate the  kind  of  reaction I got  from passersby.

I turned  instant celebrity .People waving from  their cars, random people  cheering me  on with their  smiles ,gestures  and  all....caught a few  folks whipping out their  phones to snap me, an elderly woman told  me  I was  perfect  the  way I was,others simply stared in confusion .The attention  I must  say was  quite overwhelming and  totally unexpected.
Moments later my elder Sister called and  as  i was  gleefully relaying my  finer  moments in  life to her, she  quickly and  wisely pointed  out  ... that  is any attempt  to  try my cardio regimen the  next  day  or in the nearest future will be  seducing  kidnappers ....kidnappers with  intent or second degree kidnapping .

Then and there  I quickly  loaned myself  brain not  only because my  husband will  not  pay a single dime  for  ransom and  those  people  will just  beat  someone to stupor  for  nothing, but because the  ransom the  kidnappers might ask  for will adequately cover  a less  risky  procedure: PLASTIC SURGERY .

Even  with  the  Bible  insisting that  dry  morsel is  with patience, I immediately  aborted  my  voyage  to  the  land of skinnies  and  launched into  plan B. Which  was save enough money  for procedures which  included  breast augmentation, arm liposuction. Breast and  Brazilian  butt  Augmentation Or DIE TRYING.
So  until  I hammer  body magic ,waist cincher  ,silicone hip and  butt booster  pants  will  do just  fine......

Comments

Phlosh said…
Hahahahhahahhahahha. Such a delight to read. My one and only iyaleokan of life.
Can't stop laughing.a necessary must read in this economic climate

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